There's the grad student inside of me that looks at things in relation to the past; a sort of emotional benchmark. It's a qualitative way, I think, of gauging progress within myself. So whenever, in my past, an event that was troubling or unexpected occurred, I immediately sought some frame of reference. An emotional benchmark I could use to put my feelings in context.
An 8th grader should be able to read 230+ words per minute but when the test results come back and he/she's at 180 WPM, we deem that as below our standard(s). That's quantitative analyses. Looking at a number and saying, "that's not progress, we have not met or exceeded our expectations." I know I still do this from time to time and I'm lucky because taped onto my mirror is a wall of affirmations. My first and favorite one is "I no longer need to compare myself to others to validate who I am or the decisions I make." So now when I see that my emotional WPM has dropped or isn't where I'd like for it to be that day...I can be okay with that.
The learning curve for emotional growth and development is less like a winding road and more like one of those optical paintings by M.C. Escher. The concept of up or down is irrelevant. Some days you wake up feeling fucking great. Taking a shower feels like this cathartic massage of your muscles that steams off the emotional fat of the previous day. Brushing your teeth becomes a ritualistic cleansing of the place where you allow the "I" to flow from. Even the same shitty knock-off brand cereal you can barely afford tastes like the milk was ambrosia. These are the days where you just are because...how else could you be?
The post-modernist in me immediately seeks the polar opposite to what is mentioned above: The Shitty Day. We all have these. Sometimes they're simply because of circumstance or a difficult event. More often than not, they're a combination of the two. But there's just something highly fucking irksome about not knowing why it happens on some of those Shitty Days. Again, we can choose to use emotional benchmarks to gauge our state of mind and emotions (funny how I never seem to do this on the good days). Now it's about units of comparison, like going from kilometers to miles. Do they meet in the middle, is one greater than the other, is one superseded? The point is, on the Shitty Days, we try to rationalize the "why" and then find a way to either draw ourselves further into that dark void or use some kind of survival strategy to simply push on through.
I see these things as being similar to the Light and Dark side of the Force. If the Force is life and all life is the Force, can anything be inherently good or evil? Is there such a thing as a good or bad day? No. The Force, just like our emotions and our environment, is Unified. We are the ones who decide whether or not today will be shitty, great, or simply a thing that is. Anakin Skywalker commits terrible acts but he does them out of love. So does that make him inherently evil or inherently good? Can these seemingly opposing philosophy's intermingle? I believe so. I think that things simply are. I believe people simply are. Because, how else could you be?
A friend said this to me and I'm grateful for hearing it: Pain is inevitable but suffering is a choice.
We choose to have the Shitty Day or the Great Day. Neither one is right or wrong, they simply are. It is okay to have a fantastic evening with your friends and then ball your eyes out on the drive home. It's okay to smile at a fart joke after unwillingly becoming single. It's okay to simply be. How else could you be?
A very strong woman I know described to me the difference between emotions and feeling. Emotions are like the seasons such as Fall, or Winter. Feelings are just that; feeling good, bad, so-so. It is alright to have a good day in winter even though things are cold and dark. It's okay to be unhappy or melancholy during a beautiful Spring day. We can let emotions be like the weather. We can let them come, experience them, and let them go. You know the futility of trying to stop a beautiful day from being clouded over. You can't stop the snow from melting. So shouldn't we also be able to recognize the futility of trying to hold onto feelings that aren't ours or simply cannot last?
We all know there is heartbreak around the bend. Many of have parents whom we will probably outlive. Some of are married and may experience a divorce in the future. Many of us know that, quite frankly, shit happens. It's when we try to divine these things ahead of time that we create self-fulfilling prophesies. "I don't think this relationship is going to last." "I think I'm going to do shitty on this test." What else can we expect when we create an entire worldview based on assumptions and negative expectations?
Another affirmation on my wall is this: Assumptions and expectations can only hurt my feelings. I touch my tattoo when I say this one because it's an image of a bird in flight and, to me, there is no better way to symbolize freedom than by escaping the confines of a presumably circumscribed environment. We have the choice to take flight emotionally, we have the choice to stay rooted and afraid to take our first leap off the branch.
The amount of emotional energy required to make a fear-based decision is a thousand times greater than the decision made from acceptance and utilizing our own personal power. When we chose to be our own Higher Power in the sense that we deserve to live free of fear, we can experience freedom. We as human beings think there are a lot of things that we have to earn. This is true in many regards, such as a work or academic setting. But when we talk about simple human needs such as shelter, food, social interaction, family; these are things we deserve.
When we decide we are unworthy of these things and make fear-based decision making, we not only deprive ourselves of the things we deserve, we deprive our souls of their daily bread: our happiness and freedom.
While fear-based decision making takes tremendous energy to continue doing, making the conscience decision to live a life that is free of self-criticism and spiritual neglect takes a massive effort to initiate. I say initiate because once the choice has been made, there simply is no going back. When we have admitted to ourselves the nature of our suffering in a critical and purposeful manner, we are beginning the first steps towards true self-awareness. This is nothing like enlightenment, I don't think that's an actual state of mind. I think true enlightenment, if we're going to use the word, is someone who is not simply okay with being themselves despite the consequences but rejoices in every moment unfolding. You need not glow or float to be this person. It starts by simply admitting to powerlessness. It's initiated when we admit to ourselves, first and foremost, that the things we have done to survive simply were not enough. There truly is a difference between surviving and thriving.
So when I received an email from my ex this morning, I made the choice to reply honestly to this person. To let her know that I was in a 12 step program, that I was determined to become my own man. I did these things not to garner pity but because...how else could I be? It's because I owe it to myself and deserve to be honest without fear.
My emotional benchmark is January 1st, 2012. It's the lowest and most awful I've ever felt and the following days were nothing short of misery in its purest form. Today is March 23rd, 2012. My hands did not shake when I typed my response to this woman. My eyes didn't tear up. My breathing was steady and from my stomach, my center.
This is how I know I have grown more whole, more human. This is how I know that I can be okay with simply being myself. This is how I know that I am worthy of love and that I deserve to live a happy and fulfilling life. Because I can look back at that scared and shivering man from a few months ago, smile, and tell him that things are going to be okay.
Because...how else could I be?
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