Lemon Party.

It's a Lemon Party and we're all invited. 

There's something strangely disturbing about walking into a room and seeing a very large basket filled to the brim with lemons. J (pseudonym) brought all these lemons in from her house which she had plucked that very morning for our CoDa (Codependency) meeting. It's strange...but I could not stop looking at those fucking lemons. It wasn't as if there was some analogy screaming to be discovered; it was just so out of place in the room I was used to being in, which was lemon-free. Isn't that a Pine sol commercial or something...?


Flux. Dynamic. These are words that describe change. Everything changes, constantly. It never stops. Grabbing on to the present moment is sorta like saying "toilet" over and over; it just loses all meaning. You're brain takes a dump and shuts down. I suppose, if I had to attribute some kind of meaning to that basket of lemons, I'd say they were an indicator of change and I might even go as far as to say that they were intrusive. Support groups are one of the few semi-static environments I've encountered. The chairs are always laid out the same, the coffee is always generic and tastes like carrots for some fucking reason, and most of the people you're used to are there as well. There was no room for a Lemon Party in group today!


Let me be the not-first to say that change, in my experience, is usually a pretty shit process. Most of the times I've encountered  change, the effects were usually quite severe. My best friend getting cancer right after x-mas break in 4th grade and not seeing him again for 10 years. The divorce at 14. The very painful breakup/emergence from adolescence at 22. That same boy with cancer dying at the age of 24 and I never got to say good bye to him. 


So I guess, for me, change has always been associated with negative repercussions. 


I sat down with my sponsor today, G (pseudonym), and really hashed it out at my place. It was weird, having an adult who wasn't a member of my family at the condo. "It's pretty spartan in there" I warned him. But then I remembered that this was a guy who'd been shot at and ass-deep in mud in Vietnam for a few tours; G can hack "spartan." So we do the "Step-Work."


The deal with the first step in any support program you go into whether it be AA, Sex/Love Addict, CoDa...the first step just fucking sucks. For Coda, the first step is as follow: We admitted we were powerless over others - that our lives had become unmanageable. Unmanageable...? What the hell does that even mean, to say that a persons life is unmanageable, like some dog that just won't stop pissing on the rug? You really have to scrutinize each one of the words because they are chosen with extreme care. It's sorta like looking at a Picasso; there are no mistakes present. 


I never thought of myself as being "controlling." That, to me, was some part of the step I felt I could ignore...and then you do the step-work with a sponsor. You get the opportunity to flip control on it's ass and look at things conversely. What have you done or acted out to get a desired result or thing from someone? Without going into detail, I found out that there were quite a few ways I had learned to manipulate and control others. In the same way an alcoholic will drink reckless amounts of booze to gain attention, CoDa's will charm, say, or try to impress others with facsimiles or half-truths. I remember doing this to a woman at a bar and ending up in her bed a few days later. I had no idea how I did it or why. I just knew that I could control certain kinds of people. Sick attracts sick. People with fucked up parenting and/or childhoods tend to get into destructive and abusive relationships as they grow older. What a fucking concept. 


G said something to me as he was sharing his eclectic life-story. He said, "I had no idea what a normal, healthy relationship looked like!" That was a kick in the dick because when I tried to answer that quasi-question myself...I had no idea either. I had had "relationships." There were goals attached to those relationships such as sex, comfort, being needed. But I wouldn't call any of that "healthy" I had no idea what a healthy relationship looked like. 


Modeling. It's a term used in education a lot to help you, the teacher, set a good example. You model the correct way to read, write, speak and so on and the kid gets it. Good modeling, usually, leads to good students (I know that's a HUGE generalization and that there are a lot of other factors but my back hurts from yoga so I don't feel like elaborating). I really believe something I've heard from my sponsor and folks at CoDa. It's this: We all do the best that we can at any given moment. I really believe that. Even when we're acting shitty and pulling people into our misery, that's the best that we can do. So when I think about my parents relationship, I try to keep that concept in mind. 


My parents did the best they could but it's easy as a child to take information that is odd or abnormal and normalize it. I never wondered why my mom always slept on the couch. I never wondered why they didn't do public displays of affection. It was normal. So when you have all this..."normalcy," being taken to a strange office, not being told why my whole family is there, and then finding out my parents are getting a divorce...normal goes ass over tea kettle. 


And, yes, I am going to tie all this back together at some point, hang tight.


So...what's a normal relationship look like to a 14 year boy who has to choose which parent he's going to live with look like? I had no idea, but I did know of a way to take care of it. Alcohol, drugs, getting arrested (B&E 2nd degree, aw yeah). When the normal environment suddenly changes, your whole paradigm shifts and it does so according to what you know at the time, what you think is the best that you can do. 


My life had officially become "unmanageable."


I decided, on a very subconscious level, that the only way I could be happy was if I was in a relationship. I was never going to make me happy cause I just didn't have the stuff. Fuck self-esteem, I can get it from other people if I can just keep them happy, right? Serial dating is a term I just recently heard and had been an active participant in for years but after you do some reading, after you start to see the patterns of control, the active choice not to be alone...it's a "face-palm" moment. 


And, I mean, this shit continues for YEARS!


There's a step way down the process where you make amends to those you've hurt so some of you reading this may be getting a heart-fucking-felt letter from me sometime in the future cause man....I made some mistakes. But that's the idea, admitting it. Becoming aware that, "hey asshole, your shit has become unmanageable and all the girlfriends and booze in the world isn't going to fill that void!" 


But, we do the best that we can do at any given moment.


The first step is hard because you not only have to understand that you have an addiction, you also have to embrace and internalize it. It's like watching cell mitosis but backwards. Two seemingly separate entities becoming one because, for me, all that shit that happened in my childhood and in my teenage years, EVERYTHING previous to January 1st, 2012 was an autonomous series of events perpetrated by some other guy. Now you have to be accountable. 12 step programs are great cause they help you out but they never let you off the fucking hook. Keep Coming Back. And, if you don't, we'll be seeing your sorry ass again after the next bender, the next break-up until you get your shit straightened out. 


You have to accept that you have lost control of yourself and that you never  had control over anyone else. Never. The first step means embracing all the good and bad parts of those relationships, the black-outs & benders, the time spent with family. You can't have your cake and eat it too; you gotta take it all in...which is great. I think it's great because you no longer have to live in this black and white world. You have a choice. You have perspective. You get to take your life back. 


So as I sat there looking at this basket of lemons, I thought "I'm okay with these being here. I'm okay with being single. Or at least I am getting to that point." I think I'm starting to understand what a healthy relationship looks like. It's based on interdependence, not codependence. There's reciprocity and compromise. Most importantly, at the end of each day you can still discern where you end and the other person begins. 


I'm not blaming or trying to guilt anyone who may have relevance to this blog. Things could not have happened any other way. We do the best that we can. I'm just glad that I actually have the opportunity to start living my life as it was meant to be; Precious & Free.


And, no, I didn't write this blog on the can.


-Ian